As I was telling you last time, the madness in my life began, from all points of view: the fear of the disease, the fear of how will I treat my illness, other intense fears and agony. I searched for nutritionists, doctors, complementary therapies, hoping they would help me heal. A stricter diet, based only on raw vegetables and so on. Massages, reiki, theta healing and many more I thought would help me regain my emotional and body balance.
I knew somewhere I was wrong and that is why I am not healing myself and I wanted to look for the cause. But my mother told me, “You should only trust in God and look inside you, not outside! Nobody can help you, just you can.” I didn’t believe her. So I turned to bio-resonance, bioenergy, other voodoo, psychotherapists, German medicine, desperately seeking a solution. I was doing so many things, that I hadn’t enough time for myself. And if I was meditating and praying, I was also stressed, because I couldn’t finish the rest of my work.
Going out in nature or with friends was rare. I was only eating leaves and other weird things (healthy ones), but I was already overwhelmed by them.
I hated people who ate everything they wanted because I already had more than half a year of eating just raw vegan and no fruits, just strictly vegetables.
One day I started to eat more and more, because I did not have enough of my meals and I got to eat compulsively. I was no longer respecting my diet, I was eating bread and many other things that were not allowed for me and I ended up eating non-stop until I started to feel bad. Then I felt guilty and started to cry. It was clearly not the right attitude to deal with my health problem.
I looked for a psychologist to help me, but the answer was: only you can help yourself. But hoooow? I was trying to love myself as I was, to thank the universe for what I am, what I have, etc., meditating, praying, but after a short time I was falling again into “depression”, lets name it like this. I didn’t know how to get out of this situation. Though I was cheerful and encouraging everyone, but when the stress and fear were catching me again, it was a big problem. And when I was thinking I have to go to the doctor to do my periodic ultrasound, the fear was freezing me (a feeling I had not experienced before).
Until one day when I noticed a change in the tumor, it had grown quite well. I was traumatized. I couldn’t believe that all that I was doing was not giving any result. But yet, so much fear, distrust, agitation, guilt, was clear that I would be overtaken.
At one point I felt useless because I was no longer earning my existence for myself. Then I started making raw vegan cakes at home. I was earning a pretty nice amount of money and it was a passion that made my soul to fly. In the same time, I started to paint. But I was too stressed because of the disease to deal with these passions properly, so I turned them into another stress. Normally, a passion takes your mind off the disease and other things, but as I was also making money from them, I began to be too worried that I didn’t earn enough to cover my expenses with treatments, therapies and all.
My husband was helping me with the money and also my parents, but I still felt like a prick. It seemed to me that time is passing by and I am not doing anything useful, I am not having children, I am not making money, I am not learning anything new, I am just looking for solutions in books and therapists so that I can be well … and not even heal myself.
One day my husband came to me with the proposal to go on an exotic holiday with some friends. I found the trip a little expensive, I was stressed about flying, because Yeees, I was scared about flying too (and it looks like this adds fears over fears), I didn’t know what is the situation with the tumor because I was too traumatized to go to the doctor and do an ultrasound or CT scan. In the end I agreed to go on that trip, although I had to go to the psychologist a few hours before leaving, for my fear of flying. Could it be otherwise? : P
I already had big kidney pains, nausea, foot pain for several months, I didn’t even know if the trip was right for me. But with a balanced conscience, full of optimism, waking up every morning a winner and a subconscious full of fear (I knew that the subconscious is somewhere at 95% and the conscious at 5% when it comes to the importance of our thinking, so somehow my false positive state was a bit superficial, but I didn’t know how to access the subconscious to change it) I hit the road to Guadeloupe, a wonderful area in the Caribbean sea.