Dreamy, full of life, of desire, cheerful, smiling and yet, the crazy pace of life, the agitation, the expectations that the society has of you, the fear that you do not fit, the fear of failure, the lack of a well-defined purpose, a failed relationship it transformed me into a stressed woman.
I thought I knew what I wanted from my life, I thought I was fine, I thought that no matter the daily upsets, the next day the sun will shine again. I was wondering, however, how long it will be like this. Was it possible to be upset almost daily, to be stressed out because of the job, the crowd, to get annoyed by your lover, to be pressed by your targets at work, to get home and go to bed, sometimes with thoughts, sometimes too tired and fall asleep instantly, but the next day to wake up well and healthy? Well, I thought that I could traumatize my body and my mind endlessly. But that end came one day, all the sudden.
Me, is this happening to me? How, why? I mean I know that I was upset, like all people, but I’m not depressed, I don’t drown my bitter in alcohol (maybe I drank and smoked more, like all people of the 21st century and I lost a few nights), I eat healthy, I think, kebap is not on my menu for years. Well, look, that’s what happened.
The disease does not ask you if it can come, if you can handle it … and it gives you a huge surprise. A big, but a big tumor, on my small and sensitive kidney. Yeah, hard to digest!
What can you do, what’s the next step? You’re walking like crazy around town and trying to figure out what’s going on. You go to your best friend, you tell her, you shed two tears and you keep on going with your thoughts lost, your muffled soul, with ground running from under your feet.
Next days other doctors, same diagnosis, same recommendation: have a surgery now!! Do not delay, because Christmas is coming and no one is doing surgeries between holidays! Too much news in a few days, my mind is too full to understand what’s going on.
What right does a doctor have to tell me that I have to give up my kidney? That this will make me better? Don’t they know how many people had a surgery and after that the cancer cells spread and they had to do chemo ??? I have feelings too, people, and I love my body, I don’t want to traumatize it. I want to do what’s best for it, for me, for my soul. You are not God to give me an ultimatum, to tell me that if I do not have a surgery in a few days, it will be too late for me. What about my soul? Don’t you see that he’s scared and hurt? Why not worry about it, why is your priority just to cut and not be more human? To listen to me, to discuss, to take decisions together?
I need time to think.