We hit the road, full of hope and a little fear, to Vienna. It was a long night by car, in which all the possible feelings put a hold on me. How it will all happen, how I will feel, how it will be without the tumor (I was already used to it, it was a kind of full-time job to me for some time :).
In the morning when I arrived at the doctor, I smiled. I knew it was the best decision I could make to choose him. He is human, humorous and a true specialist.
The next day is the surgery. I had no emotions, I came in smiling. They passed me through so many beds and rooms until I arrived in the surgery room, that I felt that I will never arrive there. I was convinced that I would wake up very happy, with a smile on my face because I got over with it. Eh, it wasn’t quite like that. My first words were: It hurts! While the effect of anesthesia was still there, I have asked for more painkillers. So you can realize what pain I was in, panic and despair. God, it took forever to get to my room where I had to spend 3 more days.
There were also other pains, I couldn’t even tell two words, not even until the end of the day. It was advisable to get up and walk, to eat something. Yeh right!! I was dizzy from anesthetics, the room was swirling with me and I felt it would never pass. With all the possible anesthetics, I was feeling extreme pain.
During the night it was the same. Same the next day. I didn’t want to eat or get out of bed. Then the doctor came and picked me up. He made some jokes and everything seemed easier.
Slightly easy, with the passing of days, some pains left me, but new ones appeared. I don’t even have to tell you that sleeping was a big problem! I was tired, without desire for life, without hope. And why? I had just got rid of the nightmare of my life. It was because I was still associating the pain of the surgery with the pain I had when the tumor was there. Big mistake !!! My morale was pretty down, even though I woke up in the morning with a tiny smile on my face. I knew I had to get myself out of this situation, otherwise I would never have gone through this. I mean I would be stretching it for weeks long.
I woke up with bruises on my hand, eye irritation, etc. Everything was panicking me. Every pain is was cutting my breath. I could not see the progress, which was visible, only the slightly negative things, a little pain, a sting, etc.
How positive I was before the surgery always smiling, happy and optimistic. I thought I would get out of the operation with a smile and everyone would congratulate me on how brave I was. Possibly to give me an award, not to the doctor who removed my tumor. :)) haha! It wasn’t bad if it would have been like that. I also refer to optimism and to the prize 🙂
Now it is easy for me to write and laugh, after the critical period has passed, but then … oh, God, the sky had fallen on me … I cannot handle pain. I terrorized the doctor with a thousand questions, why does it hurt there, why I have all kinds of irritations, why, why, why ??? I think the army would not have been a choice for me, nor living in the jungle. :))))) No sir! It is clear that this experience has taught me a lot, especially not to be such a scared rabbit anymore.
Somehow I feel that my path to change starts from now, since I feel good and healthy.
Here is what I’ve learned during the whole period when I had the tumor:
– there are no diseases, only sick people
-the disease lasts how long you want it to last, whether you treat it with herbs or with surgery. Everything is in your mind and healing depends on how you perceive things, how you create your own reality
– when you discover that you have a disease, your life seems instantly more beautiful and you start to see everything in pink – may be because you are scared or you didn’t know how to really appreciate it until then
– a healthy lifestyle must be maintained at all time (nutrition, sports, mental balance, positive thoughts, optimism, healthy beliefs), not just when we get sick
– enjoy life and be grateful for everything you have (life, health, family, home, meal, clothes) and not to be upset about the things you don’t have. Times may come in life without those mentioned above, so keep them holy and enjoy them with all your soul. We need so little to be happy
– love with all your heart, love your body, mind, soul and everything God has given you. You are such a beautiful, pure and gentle being and you deserve all the best. I saw on myself that with every attack at my person (I am fat, I have a too round face, weird teeth and other nonsense things) there is a knife in my soul, in my mind, in my dignity, in my pride and after that it’s not easy to solve them. Once the psyche is on the ground, you get up hard. No one says you can’t have some bad days, but ideally, you should not fall into a depression out of nothing and disregard yourself
– you should not be afraid of anything, within the normal limits. If there are things that depend on you, change them, if not, don’t mess with them. Don’t stress out because of them, don’t be afraid. Some things happen anyway. But if your attitude is a positive one, there is a big chance that you’ll get over them faster
– be patient with yourself
– do not make an obsession out of anything: neither to have the best job in the world, nor to be the best mother, to have many friends, to be the best one threw with the hammer: P and not even to keep a diet by the book (not even when it comes to a disease. Let’s be clear, a strict diet, it is a strict diet. But if you once mistake something, it is not the end of the world. If you make an obsession out of it, that you have to keep it perfectly otherwise you die, you will live the drama of your life and you will feel guilty all the time and believe me, there is not a more destructive feeling.